Accidental Bullying

I thought I was in a safe place to share. It was a  Facebook group set up for local moms to buy, sell, and trade kid and maternity items. There were about a thousand moms in the group and there was a constant flow of great kid stuff for sale at next-to-nothing prices…every mom’s dream come true.

I had decided to list my offensively-expensive-when-new, gently-used maternity support belt. For those of you unfamiliar with such an item, imagine a cross between a chastity belt, a thong big enough for grandpa, and an industrial grade construction belt with lace. It’s used outside the underwear and was very clean, as I clearly stated in the posting. It had been my salvation during my painful pregnancy and I still have very sentimental feelings towards it for that reason.

I knew there would be comments. In fact, I was secretly looking forward to anything that would be clever. But I was surprised at what happened instead.

 “She’s a bully and I won’t stand for it.” That was my mom calling to inform me that a lady from the group had copied and reposted my photo on the group page without my description, but left her own comment instead, “This is gross.”

“No, mom,” I said, “I’m sure she’s just trying to be funny. She’s just one person and I’m not deleting the post. I really want to sell it. It was really expensive.” But I should have known. Mother is always right.

The comments came in fast. They started as snarky remarks. “This is disgusting,” and “What is that??!!?” The comments really didn’t bother me, I have a pretty thick skin and a good sense of humor. “LMBO is all I can say,” and yes, I did have to google to find out what LMBO meant. “Someone identify this before we snicker ourselves sick,” wrote another woman.  In less than two minutes I had over a dozen comments, and they kept coming, and coming fast.

When the comments started to pile up I started to feel anxious about the whole thing, which surprised me. I started to wonder how many comments I would get and if they would last on my permanent online record. I was hoping to get a laugh, but instead I flashed back to when I was as the girl wearing braces and a handmade kitty sweater in an age of neon socks and Hypercolor shirts. The funny, snarky comments had accidentally crossed over to cyber bullying without anyone really realizing it. If you don’t believe me, then let me explain.

Those women didn't have to say anything necessarily piercing. It became bullying when they made those comments in front of a large group of my peers. But somehow people have forgotten that when online.

If I had walked into a restaurant and if twenty women started to make fun of my dress, it would suck to be me. It wouldn't have been nice, but it wouldn't have been bullying necessarily either. Now imagine instead that those same women were standing on a platform with a megaphone in front of nine-hundred and eighty-five other moms when they berated me. And all one-thousand of those moms shopped at my Target and dropped their kids off at my kid’s school and played at my park. And all one thousand of those moms knew that I was the "gross" mom posting a "gross" maternity belt. It changed into bullying because it was done online. 

After ten minutes of comments one lady posted in my defense that it was a maternity belt and I thanked her on the thread because I had started to feel “ganged up on.” All of the sudden the comments turned more personal. “You can’t say this was ganging up,” and “don’t be so dramatic about it.” "You’ll need to leave the group if you can’t stop causing problems," and "we can report you to the administrator and have you kicked out." But I loved the cheap-awesome -kid-stuff group. I really didn’t want to be forced out. I did some research and was able to delete my post before things got worse.

Things had gone from snarky comments to nearly being kicked out of a group that I liked. In fifteen minutes. For posting a maternity belt. I don't think any of those mommies meant to bully. I think they'd still think my stance is overly dramatic and that real bullying is when a bigger kid holds your head in the toilet during recess. But today's rules about bullying are changing. I think that we all forget that the online world is changing too. The world-wide-web actually has made our world smaller and more personal. People can't hide behind anonymous Myspace avatars anymore. They can't make comments without consequences anymore.

As it was, I was able to donate my overpriced maternity belt to a single mom's group. Hopefully it was more appreciated there. I'm thinking that you just have to have insanely painful Vulva Vericose Veins and crippling pelvic pressure to appreciate the relief of a maternity belt at a second hand cost.

Wait, did I just write the word Vulva? Yes, yes I did. And watch the snarky comments in 3...2...1...go.

In the News, CBS Interview

Chad being interviewed by Kristin Lazar.

Watch the entire segment here: CBS News

Chad and I were so excited to have this opportunity to publicly thank Mattel for recognizing us and the 103,450 others who signed the change.org petition asking for more "Ella Chemotherapy Barbies." We really enjoyed working with Kristin Lazar, she put us right as ease during our interview in the playroom at Children's Hospital Los Angeles, the same place where Grace played during her eleven weeks being inpatient this year.

We were excited to see the widespread use of this interview. It was seen across America and the world as far as Germany and Japan, re-shared by news agencies such as the Huffington Post, and shared on Facebook 4.2K times.

You can visit Ella's Facebook page or the change.org petition to learn more.

In the News, HLN Interview

The HLN Interview at the CNN Los Angeles News Room

Click here to see the whole: HLN Interview

I was very pleased with this follow-up interview because it was my goal to say the words, "Children's Hospital Los Angeles," as many times as I could. I had practiced saying the entire name nearly a thousand times in the mirror to prepare. It's my goal to bring awareness about pediatric cancers, and also about Children's Hospital Los Angeles as our way to help other families who will come behind us.

Praying for Miracles

This morning God released me. I've been really feeling down that I don't have the ability to pray for miracles. What I mean is, many people of faith, when they pray for miracles, have no room for doubt when they pray. They "receive what has already been given," and they can pray boldly with full conviction to see God provide what they are petitioning for. They are full of assurance and faith and belief that has always left me doubting my own faith.

I can't pray that way. I have doubts. I do. Because I've too many times seen God not provide what I've prayed for. I've seen death come to some I've prayed for, and life to others. Provision to some and suffering for others. Some are healed, some not and I have no ability to discern why. Why are some prayers answered, and others not? Therefore I can not "name and claim" miracles as many believers can and do.

Today I learned that I still have faith, and though I can't pray that way, it doesn't necessarily mean I doubt God. I only doubt that he will answer every request I make, because sometimes God says no. I've finally found places in the New Testament where prayers are denied (I was formally under the belief that God only said no under the "old covenant" in the OT because of my misunderstanding of John 4:23 that talks about Jesus healing every disease and sickness).

But I discovered that even Jesus' prayer is once denied. He prayed that God would remove the cup of death so that he would not have to suffer the cross. It was probably his biggest and most passionate prayer and it was denied. And it's not the only time in the New Testament.This is speculation, but I believe there was a prayer by the Apostle John and the rest of the apostles and disciples combined, in the book of Acts that God did not answer.

Soon after Jesus returned to heaven John's older brother James was captured by the Jews/Romans and was on trial for death. This is the same James of the "inner three" of James, John, and Peter that Jesus took to isolated events such as the transfiguration and the prayer in Gethsemane.

I imagine that when James was taken to trial before the Jews/Romans that all the believers and the disciples, and especially his brother John, were fervently praying for his release. It's not a stretch to believe that they prayed for God to provide a miracle. But there was no miracle for James. He was the first martyred apostle. Other believers like Stephen had been martyred, but James was the first of the twelve apostles killed for his faith.

Peter was taken to trial and sentenced to death almost immediately after James' death, yet he was spared by miracle. In Acts 12 it says, "but the church was earnestly praying to God for him (Peter)," which is the example that leads me to believe that James had the same type of prayer surrounding his situation only a few days/weeks earlier.

Peter didn't just have an answer to prayer, he had a huge miracle. God sent an angel to unlock his chains, even though he was chained between two guards, then led through guarded gates which the angel personally opened. It was a very apparent, very dramatic, very real answer to prayer.

James was executed Roman style. Peter was freed miracle style. All within a small time frame, all the same people praying. Did God love Peter more than James? James was also in the inner three with John and Peter. Peter had screwed up more. So I don't think it was merit or favor or more faith that answered Peter's prayer.

It would seem that some prayers God answers, others he does not. Now that I have become a more mature believer I know that actually some of our prayers match God's will, some of ours do not. God always answers prayer that matches up with his bigger plan. So why bother praying at all if God will only do what he wants?

Prayer is an interesting push/pull.  We see in the old Testament that Abraham's prayer persuades God to not destroy Sodom if there were righteous people in the city. We see God reversing a decision in 2 Kings 20 with Hezekiah's miraculous healing when he prayed to live longer. God's personality can not be changed, but through prayer He allows his decisions to be influenced by us. He actually cares about our opinions and will often change courses based on our requests.

God will listen and change the world's course based on our requests made when we "pray in the name of Jesus," and when that prayer also matches up with his bigger plan.

As a mom, I sometimes change bedtimes on holidays. I sometimes spring for late popsicles on a summer's night. Sometimes the kids get candy at the store. I really enjoy granting the kids special treats and favors when they ask, and when I'm able. And by able I mean when I see that it fits with my overall plan for them. Overall I make sure they get enough sleep, eat enough vegetables, learn good values and morals, etc. But when they ask for a before bedtime popsicle, they don't remember if they skipped nap that day, or if they've had a lot of junk food in the last few days. And if they do remember, they don't care. But I remember and I know what the bigger plan is and I make my decision based off what I know to be true, not off the fervency of their request.

I always say yes to requests for hugs. I always say no to running with scissors. But there are many things I leave open to be swayed by their opinions. Sometimes I bet my answering of their requests probably seems a little random to them, but to me it makes perfect sense. I love to grant their requests when I can. If I'm like that, then how much more our Heavenly Father? The Bible says he loves to give his children good things when they ask.

So I know that prayer matters. God listens to our prayers and cares about our opinions. He answers according to the bigger plan that only he understands.

I will no longer feel bad praying for miracles, even when I "feel" like I have doubts. Because I know that it's not God's ability I'm doubting, its me doubting my ability to completely understand his perfect will. I'll pray likes Jesus who prayed, "please remove this cup...but your will be done."

I will pray for us to know God's will. I will especially pray for us to be able to trust him and accept his will as the right answer, even if the answer is no. Perhaps that's the bigger miracle anyhow.