Magic Moments

Today had two magic moments in it. Magic moments are the unexpected events that can’t be planned or even hoped for, they are moments of true and meaningful connection with others. They are spontaneous as a rule. Magic moments are treasures, and even if they seem unimportant to anyone else, they are the small memories that burn bright in your heart all your life and never lose their warmth.

Today I saw Luke when he and Noni came to visit Grace and me at the hospital as a surprise for my birthday. It was so much fun to play with him. But it was later over the phone that my magic moment with him happened. I asked him if he ate dinner and he said he had soup. I asked him if it was yummy and he said, “it not yummy. It hot.” He’s only just learning descriptions and to hear him come up with that on his own was so precious to me. I have a feeling I’ll smile for the rest of my life whenever I eat soup, thinking about my Luke sharing details of his life with me.

I had another magic moment today, this one with Grace. But in able to share the magic, I have to contrast today with yesterday. Yesterday was our third day being inpatient at Children's Hospital Los Angeles. I was so distraught. I was so worried about Grace, the most I’ve been in months. She was so clearly miserable, so tired, so sad. She was on every laxative known to man trying to dissolve a blockage that was causing her considerable pain and caused vomiting after every meal. I felt so helpless. She wasn’t talking at all, only using thumbs up or thumbs down to tell us how she felt. She took a four hour nap and when we took her down to the playground she only watched Luke from a chair while wrapped in a blanket and cried. It was a hard day for all of us.

But today Grace started talking again. By the afternoon she had eaten a little chicken broth and had some lemonade and it cheered her up so much that she was even smiling and sitting up again. I think her tummy was finally starting to feel better from the laxatives working. By dinner time she was allowed to eat a banana and crackers. She was so happy, she told me today was the best day ever. Later I took her to the bathroom knowing we’d be there for some time. So we started singing silly songs as we waited.

“Willa-bee-walla-bee-woo, an elephant sat on you. Willa-bee-walla-bee-wee, an elephant sat on me,” the songs goes. I’d sing about the elephant sitting on the “pospital" and she’d finish the song with him sitting on the hospital. Our elephant sat on the bed, in the sink, on the nurse, on the doctor, getting shots, driving home, snuggling in bed and then we ran out of rhymes. She was laughing the whole time and it was so wonderful to see her enjoying life again. Her smile was so bright and so genuine and I was so glad to be part of it. 

I would have never imagined moments on the phone and on the potty could become treasured memories. But it does seem that often it’s the little nothings that come to be the most important and most lasting in life. The big moments are special too, but they don’t always seem to shape us the way the small but frequent memories do. And small moments have a special way of squeezing down into the smallest crevices of our heart, like a seed where they slowly stretch our hearts bigger and deeper as they take root and grow.

Those special connections are full of magic, but only if you can catch them. Having two magic moments in one day with my children was the best birthday present I could ask for.

Chores and Preschoolers

I have a theory. I don't think that kids did chores in America a hundred years ago.

The definition of chores: "A unnecessary and irritating task contrived by bored parents looking for an opportunity to boss their kids around and involves minimal financial compensation and tireless nagging."

I'll use Laura Engel Wilder for my proof that children didn't do chores. She spent most of her life on a farm in 19th century America. She did things like feed the chickens before school, weed the garden, milk the cow. You might be thinking these are chores, but according to my definition above, they are clearly something more. Kids in charge of feeding the chickens knew that if they didn't feed their animals, they wouldn't get eggs. The survival of their family actually depended on them. And they knew it.

The family worked as a team for in order to eat. It wasn't meaningless work and though it might have been mundane, kids probably enjoyed food through the winter more than they liked skipping rocks, or whatever else they did for fun back then.

My kids, age three and five, do chores. And it's not because I'm lazy and need the help (all moms know that kids doing chores at this age can actually make more work, not less) but because I am trying to lay the foundation that chores can be enjoyable, give them a chance to be an important part of the family, and that we can have family time when we work together.

First, to make chores enjoyable I've done a few things. I try to find chores that match their interest levels. My son is tickled pink to be using a kid-safe window cleaner** in a spray bottle on all our windows. My daughter loves that she has tiny gardening gloves and can use her safety scissors to prune dead roses for me. They have kid-sized rakes and we make big piles of leaves that we dance in before we put them in the compost. We often have dance music blasting the whole time.

To make chores important I let them take some risks. My five year old is allowed to wash glass plates in the sink. Although we have a dishwasher she loves having a "grown-up" chore. I make sure they're dishes that can break without breaking the bank, but giving her a chance to learn responsibility is more important to me than a $5 plate. My son gets to use the small vacuum, even though it doesn't really do much. And that's fine for now.

As they grow up, I want their chores to reflect their importance. I plan on letting them help me plan meals, budget and be in charge of making dinner once a week. And the older they get, the more I'll stay out of the process and with any luck they'll end up in college eating more than microwaveable mac-n-cheese.

To make chores a family affair we set aside a time where we do them together. Every Saturday the kids know we'll be in the yard raking before we play. When it's time to clean rooms, we all go into one kids room and work together to clean it (they straighten, I mop) and then we move onto the next kid's room. Then it's not isolating or seen as a punishment. When we clean the toys up in the living room every night, we do it together. I don't want there to be "mom's or dad's jobs" and "kid's jobs" as much as "family jobs."

I've also broken down chores into three categories. Chores that "expected", like taking their plates to the sink and picking up their toys. Then there are "allowance" chores. Raking the yard and cleaning their rooms every Saturday gets them ten dimes every week. (Why ten dimes? Because then it's easy for them to tithe and put a dime into their savings jar before putting eight dimes in their piggy banks.) Finally I have "extra" chores that they can do to make extra dimes when they're so inclined. These are more traditional chores like sweeping, dusting and vacuuming.

My plan is that if we start chores now then by the time they're teens, it won't be a shock to their system to be a productive part of the family. If they learn now that there are both positive and negative consequences associated with chores, I hope not to nag. Actually I already know I won't be nagging, I'll let the consequences do the hard work for me. And by having them practice life skills more and more as they grow up, I hope to have them ready to not only take care of their families, but to have them full of joy as they do so.


** These are some of the safe cleansers we use at home. I REALLY like them. Most natural cleansers don't work at all, but Branch Basics does and it's so safe that we use it for laundry and hand washing as well. Plus I add some lavender oil and my whole house smells like expensive massage when I'm done.

You can also make kid-safe window cleanser by combining 1/4 cup vinegar, 1/2 tsp liquid dish soap and 2 cups water in a spray bottle. I don't think it works as well as Branch Basics but it is kid safe.

Pinterest Faker

When my life is out of control I organize for therapy. It's cheaper than therapy (though I'm meeting with professional therapist also and she's worth every penny).

I've been wanting to organize the kids games and crafts for a long, long, time, like since my kids were born. I finally took the plunge, bought $150 in organizers and got to work. Each small box cost $6.00 from Amazon and though it's expensive upfront, it's cheaper than throwing out broken games. Then I cut the sides of the box off and used them as labels.

This was my happy result. I hope that it'll extend the life of these games exponentially, as well as help us play them more since we can actually see what we own. So far it's worked, we're playing games more and watching TV less.

This is the finished photo.

I felt super fantastic about myself. not only did I have a very functional and well thought out space, I was going to add it to Pinterest. It was a new all-time high. Then I decided to be honest, because my life isn't what the first photo shows. And so I zoomed out with my camera and I took this photo.

 And this one. 

And another.

And this one too. It's a 360 degree, panoramic view of my office.

What in God's good mercy happened? Well, I've been working for six months to unpack my office where I keep the kid's games. And I haven't finished. I have a nice organized snapshot of my office, one nice enough to be on Pinterest. But I decided to be honest. I'm a mom with two small kids. I may have an awesomely organized game center, but the rest of my life is a mix of beauty and chaos, mostly chaos.

I know when I've gone on Pinterest I've found inspiration for perfecting every aspect of my life. And I mean every aspect.  But I don't want to have to be perfect to be happy. My life is pretty messy right now and it still has corners bulging with messiness...but also with happiness.

I'm totally capable of having cleaned this office six months ago. But I've chosen to go very slowly. Because when my kids ask to play, I'm going to play instead of OCD organize every aspect of my life so that it can match what I see on Pinterest.

To be honest, I'd often rather organize. I'm an "A" type personality and I love results. You don't get results from building block towers and playing cars and braiding Barbie's hair all day, at least not in the form of something tangible or even chart-able. But I do have very close relationships to my kids. I can't really photograph that and pin it.

All I have to show is an organized bookshelf and a really messy room and two very loved children. And I'm ok with that.

Grace Learns Dinner Manners

The other night at dinner started fantastic. Grace sat with her face scrunched, her eyebrows as deep down as they could go, and in her scariest voice told us stories about a haunted house. Then three-year old Luke would chime in and say "scary shadows," while mimicking Grace's scary face. It was hilarious. 

After her story she decided to not only drink milk from her cup, but to also practice her balancing abilities while at it. She only used her mouth to hold her cup, not unlike a seal trying to balance a ball on it's nose, and it was about as messy. She was told that her drinking method was unacceptable. As she is an alpha female in a five-year old body, she decided it was as good a point as any to stand her ground. She was asked to leave the table but refused, instead she grabbed onto her chair like it was a life preserver on the Titanic. 

"Uh-oh," I said, using our key word for, "This is about to be a problem...for you." She didn't budge. "You can walk to your room," I said, "or I'll be happy to carry you." She was still holding her chair. When I picked her up to carry her she grabbed onto the table cloth, spilling all of our dinner onto the ground.

My husband Chad and I wanted to find a consequence that would teach, rather than just punish, but we didn't have any idea what that might be. So we did what most good parents do. We googled it. Thankfully "Love and Logic" had just the right solution. An "energy drain." An energy drain is whenever a kid zaps your energy with their bad behavior and they are then responsible for helping you get it back. It's always at a personal but a fair cost. And always with empathy and kindness when the verdict is delivered.

Because Grace made our dinner so unpleasant, we decided that we would need a grown-up dinner at a nice restaurant without kids to get our energy back, and that Grace would pay the baby sitter. Luckily, her babysitter accepts toys and allowance as payment (we paid her in cash afterwards).

When Grace was allowed out of time-out we told her the consequence, and that she would need to pick out a toy to pay the babysitter with. We were expecting a major meltdown at the news. But as always, Grace completely surprised us. She picked out her newest and most favoritest Elsa doll that she had just spent the last ten weeks saving up for. We explained several times that it didn't have to be that doll but she felt strongly that it did. She even went as far as to gift wrap it and colored a card to go with it. 

She wasn't upset at all, in fact we suspected that she was secretly feeling really good about it. (She mentioned the next morning that we were mean for making her get rid of her doll, but I told her that most parents would just yell or spank. After that she didn't complain again.) Chad and I think that kids have a more intense sense of "fair" than we do, and when they know that they are making it right again, they feel good about it. Grace is young but smart and she knew she really blew it that night. We think she was happy to have a way to put things right.

The next night Grace decided to test her limits with extremely bad manners again. 

"I'm so happy," I said to her complete astonishment. "I really had a great time with your dad last night at our dinner. Will you be paying for another babysitter tonight?" 

The bad manners totally stopped. Instantly. The best part was that I didn't have to yell or even get mad. In fact I was a little disappointed she cleaned up her act so quickly. I was secretly hoping for another night out. It turned out our family dinner was nearly just as nice at home that night, even though I had to clean my own dishes afterwards. And Grace learned that if she makes a mistake can feel good about herself when she makes it right again.

(Thanks Love and Logic for sharing this on your Facebook Page!)

In the News, CHLA Blog

Grace was featured in the CHLA blog about her involvement with Ella.

8

Big round eyes, the biggest smile one will ever see and a beautiful, bald head. These are characteristics shared by Ella, Barbie’s doll friend made by Mattel, and Grace Bumstead, 4-year-old patient of Children’s Hospital Los Angeles who is currently fighting Ph+ acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

Grace was diagnosed early this January with a rare form of leukemia and received Ella as a gift from Alina San, child life specialist at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, to help her understand the process of her cancer and the chemotherapy that she will receive for the next two years. “Magical and medical play is important for children Grace’s age,” says San. “Ella has helped Grace see what will happen and has encouraged her to ask questions.”

“If the pain that we’re going through right now can help someone else, it makes it feel like it’s worth it,” says Melissa Bumstead. Tweet.

Ella and Grace (as well as her Disney Princess dolls, Ariel and Rapunzel) have attended many doctor appointments together to allow physicians to physically show on relatable Ella where a shot or bandage might go. The doll even came along to Grace’s hair appointment to help her visualize that she can be bald and beautiful, like Ella. “We always tell Grace that even though Ella does not have hair, she is always smiling,” says Chad Bumstead, Grace’s father.

Although Ella is not Grace’s most prized doll, her parents, Melissa and Chad Bumstead, and Paul Gaynon, MD, oncologist at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles believe that Ella will not only help explain a confusing disease, but also remind Grace of a struggle she overcame and hopefully will never revisit. In fact, the Bumsteads believe in the positive role Ella plays so much that they began a petition to ask Mattel to donate more Ella dolls to children hospitals around the country.

“If the pain that we’re going through right now can help someone else, it makes it feel like it’s worth it,” says Melissa. In just three months, the petition grabbed the attention of more than 100,000 supporters—causing Mattel to take notice and agree to make and distribute more Ella dolls.

It is no question that Ella and Grace both share beautiful features, but what Grace also encompasses is a strong personality and sharp wit. At just four-years-old, Grace already knows how to command a room. “I used to ask God why he gave me such a rambunctious child, but now I know why,” says Melissa. “She had to be a fighter.”

To watch Grace’s first reaction to Ella and more information on the petition, please click here.

How You Can Help

Consider making a donation to Children’s Hospital Los Angeles and help treat kids just like Grace. Visit CHLA.org/Donate.

Accidental Bullying

I thought I was in a safe place to share. It was a  Facebook group set up for local moms to buy, sell, and trade kid and maternity items. There were about a thousand moms in the group and there was a constant flow of great kid stuff for sale at next-to-nothing prices…every mom’s dream come true.

I had decided to list my offensively-expensive-when-new, gently-used maternity support belt. For those of you unfamiliar with such an item, imagine a cross between a chastity belt, a thong big enough for grandpa, and an industrial grade construction belt with lace. It’s used outside the underwear and was very clean, as I clearly stated in the posting. It had been my salvation during my painful pregnancy and I still have very sentimental feelings towards it for that reason.

I knew there would be comments. In fact, I was secretly looking forward to anything that would be clever. But I was surprised at what happened instead.

 “She’s a bully and I won’t stand for it.” That was my mom calling to inform me that a lady from the group had copied and reposted my photo on the group page without my description, but left her own comment instead, “This is gross.”

“No, mom,” I said, “I’m sure she’s just trying to be funny. She’s just one person and I’m not deleting the post. I really want to sell it. It was really expensive.” But I should have known. Mother is always right.

The comments came in fast. They started as snarky remarks. “This is disgusting,” and “What is that??!!?” The comments really didn’t bother me, I have a pretty thick skin and a good sense of humor. “LMBO is all I can say,” and yes, I did have to google to find out what LMBO meant. “Someone identify this before we snicker ourselves sick,” wrote another woman.  In less than two minutes I had over a dozen comments, and they kept coming, and coming fast.

When the comments started to pile up I started to feel anxious about the whole thing, which surprised me. I started to wonder how many comments I would get and if they would last on my permanent online record. I was hoping to get a laugh, but instead I flashed back to when I was as the girl wearing braces and a handmade kitty sweater in an age of neon socks and Hypercolor shirts. The funny, snarky comments had accidentally crossed over to cyber bullying without anyone really realizing it. If you don’t believe me, then let me explain.

Those women didn't have to say anything necessarily piercing. It became bullying when they made those comments in front of a large group of my peers. But somehow people have forgotten that when online.

If I had walked into a restaurant and if twenty women started to make fun of my dress, it would suck to be me. It wouldn't have been nice, but it wouldn't have been bullying necessarily either. Now imagine instead that those same women were standing on a platform with a megaphone in front of nine-hundred and eighty-five other moms when they berated me. And all one-thousand of those moms shopped at my Target and dropped their kids off at my kid’s school and played at my park. And all one thousand of those moms knew that I was the "gross" mom posting a "gross" maternity belt. It changed into bullying because it was done online. 

After ten minutes of comments one lady posted in my defense that it was a maternity belt and I thanked her on the thread because I had started to feel “ganged up on.” All of the sudden the comments turned more personal. “You can’t say this was ganging up,” and “don’t be so dramatic about it.” "You’ll need to leave the group if you can’t stop causing problems," and "we can report you to the administrator and have you kicked out." But I loved the cheap-awesome -kid-stuff group. I really didn’t want to be forced out. I did some research and was able to delete my post before things got worse.

Things had gone from snarky comments to nearly being kicked out of a group that I liked. In fifteen minutes. For posting a maternity belt. I don't think any of those mommies meant to bully. I think they'd still think my stance is overly dramatic and that real bullying is when a bigger kid holds your head in the toilet during recess. But today's rules about bullying are changing. I think that we all forget that the online world is changing too. The world-wide-web actually has made our world smaller and more personal. People can't hide behind anonymous Myspace avatars anymore. They can't make comments without consequences anymore.

As it was, I was able to donate my overpriced maternity belt to a single mom's group. Hopefully it was more appreciated there. I'm thinking that you just have to have insanely painful Vulva Vericose Veins and crippling pelvic pressure to appreciate the relief of a maternity belt at a second hand cost.

Wait, did I just write the word Vulva? Yes, yes I did. And watch the snarky comments in 3...2...1...go.

In the News, CBS Interview

Chad being interviewed by Kristin Lazar.

Watch the entire segment here: CBS News

Chad and I were so excited to have this opportunity to publicly thank Mattel for recognizing us and the 103,450 others who signed the change.org petition asking for more "Ella Chemotherapy Barbies." We really enjoyed working with Kristin Lazar, she put us right as ease during our interview in the playroom at Children's Hospital Los Angeles, the same place where Grace played during her eleven weeks being inpatient this year.

We were excited to see the widespread use of this interview. It was seen across America and the world as far as Germany and Japan, re-shared by news agencies such as the Huffington Post, and shared on Facebook 4.2K times.

You can visit Ella's Facebook page or the change.org petition to learn more.

In the News, HLN Interview

The HLN Interview at the CNN Los Angeles News Room

Click here to see the whole: HLN Interview

I was very pleased with this follow-up interview because it was my goal to say the words, "Children's Hospital Los Angeles," as many times as I could. I had practiced saying the entire name nearly a thousand times in the mirror to prepare. It's my goal to bring awareness about pediatric cancers, and also about Children's Hospital Los Angeles as our way to help other families who will come behind us.

Praying for Miracles

This morning God released me. I've been really feeling down that I don't have the ability to pray for miracles. What I mean is, many people of faith, when they pray for miracles, have no room for doubt when they pray. They "receive what has already been given," and they can pray boldly with full conviction to see God provide what they are petitioning for. They are full of assurance and faith and belief that has always left me doubting my own faith.

I can't pray that way. I have doubts. I do. Because I've too many times seen God not provide what I've prayed for. I've seen death come to some I've prayed for, and life to others. Provision to some and suffering for others. Some are healed, some not and I have no ability to discern why. Why are some prayers answered, and others not? Therefore I can not "name and claim" miracles as many believers can and do.

Today I learned that I still have faith, and though I can't pray that way, it doesn't necessarily mean I doubt God. I only doubt that he will answer every request I make, because sometimes God says no. I've finally found places in the New Testament where prayers are denied (I was formally under the belief that God only said no under the "old covenant" in the OT because of my misunderstanding of John 4:23 that talks about Jesus healing every disease and sickness).

But I discovered that even Jesus' prayer is once denied. He prayed that God would remove the cup of death so that he would not have to suffer the cross. It was probably his biggest and most passionate prayer and it was denied. And it's not the only time in the New Testament.This is speculation, but I believe there was a prayer by the Apostle John and the rest of the apostles and disciples combined, in the book of Acts that God did not answer.

Soon after Jesus returned to heaven John's older brother James was captured by the Jews/Romans and was on trial for death. This is the same James of the "inner three" of James, John, and Peter that Jesus took to isolated events such as the transfiguration and the prayer in Gethsemane.

I imagine that when James was taken to trial before the Jews/Romans that all the believers and the disciples, and especially his brother John, were fervently praying for his release. It's not a stretch to believe that they prayed for God to provide a miracle. But there was no miracle for James. He was the first martyred apostle. Other believers like Stephen had been martyred, but James was the first of the twelve apostles killed for his faith.

Peter was taken to trial and sentenced to death almost immediately after James' death, yet he was spared by miracle. In Acts 12 it says, "but the church was earnestly praying to God for him (Peter)," which is the example that leads me to believe that James had the same type of prayer surrounding his situation only a few days/weeks earlier.

Peter didn't just have an answer to prayer, he had a huge miracle. God sent an angel to unlock his chains, even though he was chained between two guards, then led through guarded gates which the angel personally opened. It was a very apparent, very dramatic, very real answer to prayer.

James was executed Roman style. Peter was freed miracle style. All within a small time frame, all the same people praying. Did God love Peter more than James? James was also in the inner three with John and Peter. Peter had screwed up more. So I don't think it was merit or favor or more faith that answered Peter's prayer.

It would seem that some prayers God answers, others he does not. Now that I have become a more mature believer I know that actually some of our prayers match God's will, some of ours do not. God always answers prayer that matches up with his bigger plan. So why bother praying at all if God will only do what he wants?

Prayer is an interesting push/pull.  We see in the old Testament that Abraham's prayer persuades God to not destroy Sodom if there were righteous people in the city. We see God reversing a decision in 2 Kings 20 with Hezekiah's miraculous healing when he prayed to live longer. God's personality can not be changed, but through prayer He allows his decisions to be influenced by us. He actually cares about our opinions and will often change courses based on our requests.

God will listen and change the world's course based on our requests made when we "pray in the name of Jesus," and when that prayer also matches up with his bigger plan.

As a mom, I sometimes change bedtimes on holidays. I sometimes spring for late popsicles on a summer's night. Sometimes the kids get candy at the store. I really enjoy granting the kids special treats and favors when they ask, and when I'm able. And by able I mean when I see that it fits with my overall plan for them. Overall I make sure they get enough sleep, eat enough vegetables, learn good values and morals, etc. But when they ask for a before bedtime popsicle, they don't remember if they skipped nap that day, or if they've had a lot of junk food in the last few days. And if they do remember, they don't care. But I remember and I know what the bigger plan is and I make my decision based off what I know to be true, not off the fervency of their request.

I always say yes to requests for hugs. I always say no to running with scissors. But there are many things I leave open to be swayed by their opinions. Sometimes I bet my answering of their requests probably seems a little random to them, but to me it makes perfect sense. I love to grant their requests when I can. If I'm like that, then how much more our Heavenly Father? The Bible says he loves to give his children good things when they ask.

So I know that prayer matters. God listens to our prayers and cares about our opinions. He answers according to the bigger plan that only he understands.

I will no longer feel bad praying for miracles, even when I "feel" like I have doubts. Because I know that it's not God's ability I'm doubting, its me doubting my ability to completely understand his perfect will. I'll pray likes Jesus who prayed, "please remove this cup...but your will be done."

I will pray for us to know God's will. I will especially pray for us to be able to trust him and accept his will as the right answer, even if the answer is no. Perhaps that's the bigger miracle anyhow.