Chores and Preschoolers

I have a theory. I don't think that kids did chores in America a hundred years ago.

The definition of chores: "A unnecessary and irritating task contrived by bored parents looking for an opportunity to boss their kids around and involves minimal financial compensation and tireless nagging."

I'll use Laura Engel Wilder for my proof that children didn't do chores. She spent most of her life on a farm in 19th century America. She did things like feed the chickens before school, weed the garden, milk the cow. You might be thinking these are chores, but according to my definition above, they are clearly something more. Kids in charge of feeding the chickens knew that if they didn't feed their animals, they wouldn't get eggs. The survival of their family actually depended on them. And they knew it.

The family worked as a team for in order to eat. It wasn't meaningless work and though it might have been mundane, kids probably enjoyed food through the winter more than they liked skipping rocks, or whatever else they did for fun back then.

My kids, age three and five, do chores. And it's not because I'm lazy and need the help (all moms know that kids doing chores at this age can actually make more work, not less) but because I am trying to lay the foundation that chores can be enjoyable, give them a chance to be an important part of the family, and that we can have family time when we work together.

First, to make chores enjoyable I've done a few things. I try to find chores that match their interest levels. My son is tickled pink to be using a kid-safe window cleaner** in a spray bottle on all our windows. My daughter loves that she has tiny gardening gloves and can use her safety scissors to prune dead roses for me. They have kid-sized rakes and we make big piles of leaves that we dance in before we put them in the compost. We often have dance music blasting the whole time.

To make chores important I let them take some risks. My five year old is allowed to wash glass plates in the sink. Although we have a dishwasher she loves having a "grown-up" chore. I make sure they're dishes that can break without breaking the bank, but giving her a chance to learn responsibility is more important to me than a $5 plate. My son gets to use the small vacuum, even though it doesn't really do much. And that's fine for now.

As they grow up, I want their chores to reflect their importance. I plan on letting them help me plan meals, budget and be in charge of making dinner once a week. And the older they get, the more I'll stay out of the process and with any luck they'll end up in college eating more than microwaveable mac-n-cheese.

To make chores a family affair we set aside a time where we do them together. Every Saturday the kids know we'll be in the yard raking before we play. When it's time to clean rooms, we all go into one kids room and work together to clean it (they straighten, I mop) and then we move onto the next kid's room. Then it's not isolating or seen as a punishment. When we clean the toys up in the living room every night, we do it together. I don't want there to be "mom's or dad's jobs" and "kid's jobs" as much as "family jobs."

I've also broken down chores into three categories. Chores that "expected", like taking their plates to the sink and picking up their toys. Then there are "allowance" chores. Raking the yard and cleaning their rooms every Saturday gets them ten dimes every week. (Why ten dimes? Because then it's easy for them to tithe and put a dime into their savings jar before putting eight dimes in their piggy banks.) Finally I have "extra" chores that they can do to make extra dimes when they're so inclined. These are more traditional chores like sweeping, dusting and vacuuming.

My plan is that if we start chores now then by the time they're teens, it won't be a shock to their system to be a productive part of the family. If they learn now that there are both positive and negative consequences associated with chores, I hope not to nag. Actually I already know I won't be nagging, I'll let the consequences do the hard work for me. And by having them practice life skills more and more as they grow up, I hope to have them ready to not only take care of their families, but to have them full of joy as they do so.


** These are some of the safe cleansers we use at home. I REALLY like them. Most natural cleansers don't work at all, but Branch Basics does and it's so safe that we use it for laundry and hand washing as well. Plus I add some lavender oil and my whole house smells like expensive massage when I'm done.

You can also make kid-safe window cleanser by combining 1/4 cup vinegar, 1/2 tsp liquid dish soap and 2 cups water in a spray bottle. I don't think it works as well as Branch Basics but it is kid safe.

Pinterest Faker

When my life is out of control I organize for therapy. It's cheaper than therapy (though I'm meeting with professional therapist also and she's worth every penny).

I've been wanting to organize the kids games and crafts for a long, long, time, like since my kids were born. I finally took the plunge, bought $150 in organizers and got to work. Each small box cost $6.00 from Amazon and though it's expensive upfront, it's cheaper than throwing out broken games. Then I cut the sides of the box off and used them as labels.

This was my happy result. I hope that it'll extend the life of these games exponentially, as well as help us play them more since we can actually see what we own. So far it's worked, we're playing games more and watching TV less.

This is the finished photo.

I felt super fantastic about myself. not only did I have a very functional and well thought out space, I was going to add it to Pinterest. It was a new all-time high. Then I decided to be honest, because my life isn't what the first photo shows. And so I zoomed out with my camera and I took this photo.

 And this one. 

And another.

And this one too. It's a 360 degree, panoramic view of my office.

What in God's good mercy happened? Well, I've been working for six months to unpack my office where I keep the kid's games. And I haven't finished. I have a nice organized snapshot of my office, one nice enough to be on Pinterest. But I decided to be honest. I'm a mom with two small kids. I may have an awesomely organized game center, but the rest of my life is a mix of beauty and chaos, mostly chaos.

I know when I've gone on Pinterest I've found inspiration for perfecting every aspect of my life. And I mean every aspect.  But I don't want to have to be perfect to be happy. My life is pretty messy right now and it still has corners bulging with messiness...but also with happiness.

I'm totally capable of having cleaned this office six months ago. But I've chosen to go very slowly. Because when my kids ask to play, I'm going to play instead of OCD organize every aspect of my life so that it can match what I see on Pinterest.

To be honest, I'd often rather organize. I'm an "A" type personality and I love results. You don't get results from building block towers and playing cars and braiding Barbie's hair all day, at least not in the form of something tangible or even chart-able. But I do have very close relationships to my kids. I can't really photograph that and pin it.

All I have to show is an organized bookshelf and a really messy room and two very loved children. And I'm ok with that.

Grace Learns Dinner Manners

The other night at dinner started fantastic. Grace sat with her face scrunched, her eyebrows as deep down as they could go, and in her scariest voice told us stories about a haunted house. Then three-year old Luke would chime in and say "scary shadows," while mimicking Grace's scary face. It was hilarious. 

After her story she decided to not only drink milk from her cup, but to also practice her balancing abilities while at it. She only used her mouth to hold her cup, not unlike a seal trying to balance a ball on it's nose, and it was about as messy. She was told that her drinking method was unacceptable. As she is an alpha female in a five-year old body, she decided it was as good a point as any to stand her ground. She was asked to leave the table but refused, instead she grabbed onto her chair like it was a life preserver on the Titanic. 

"Uh-oh," I said, using our key word for, "This is about to be a problem...for you." She didn't budge. "You can walk to your room," I said, "or I'll be happy to carry you." She was still holding her chair. When I picked her up to carry her she grabbed onto the table cloth, spilling all of our dinner onto the ground.

My husband Chad and I wanted to find a consequence that would teach, rather than just punish, but we didn't have any idea what that might be. So we did what most good parents do. We googled it. Thankfully "Love and Logic" had just the right solution. An "energy drain." An energy drain is whenever a kid zaps your energy with their bad behavior and they are then responsible for helping you get it back. It's always at a personal but a fair cost. And always with empathy and kindness when the verdict is delivered.

Because Grace made our dinner so unpleasant, we decided that we would need a grown-up dinner at a nice restaurant without kids to get our energy back, and that Grace would pay the baby sitter. Luckily, her babysitter accepts toys and allowance as payment (we paid her in cash afterwards).

When Grace was allowed out of time-out we told her the consequence, and that she would need to pick out a toy to pay the babysitter with. We were expecting a major meltdown at the news. But as always, Grace completely surprised us. She picked out her newest and most favoritest Elsa doll that she had just spent the last ten weeks saving up for. We explained several times that it didn't have to be that doll but she felt strongly that it did. She even went as far as to gift wrap it and colored a card to go with it. 

She wasn't upset at all, in fact we suspected that she was secretly feeling really good about it. (She mentioned the next morning that we were mean for making her get rid of her doll, but I told her that most parents would just yell or spank. After that she didn't complain again.) Chad and I think that kids have a more intense sense of "fair" than we do, and when they know that they are making it right again, they feel good about it. Grace is young but smart and she knew she really blew it that night. We think she was happy to have a way to put things right.

The next night Grace decided to test her limits with extremely bad manners again. 

"I'm so happy," I said to her complete astonishment. "I really had a great time with your dad last night at our dinner. Will you be paying for another babysitter tonight?" 

The bad manners totally stopped. Instantly. The best part was that I didn't have to yell or even get mad. In fact I was a little disappointed she cleaned up her act so quickly. I was secretly hoping for another night out. It turned out our family dinner was nearly just as nice at home that night, even though I had to clean my own dishes afterwards. And Grace learned that if she makes a mistake can feel good about herself when she makes it right again.

(Thanks Love and Logic for sharing this on your Facebook Page!)

In the News, CHLA Blog

Grace was featured in the CHLA blog about her involvement with Ella.

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Big round eyes, the biggest smile one will ever see and a beautiful, bald head. These are characteristics shared by Ella, Barbie’s doll friend made by Mattel, and Grace Bumstead, 4-year-old patient of Children’s Hospital Los Angeles who is currently fighting Ph+ acute lymphoblastic leukemia.

Grace was diagnosed early this January with a rare form of leukemia and received Ella as a gift from Alina San, child life specialist at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, to help her understand the process of her cancer and the chemotherapy that she will receive for the next two years. “Magical and medical play is important for children Grace’s age,” says San. “Ella has helped Grace see what will happen and has encouraged her to ask questions.”

“If the pain that we’re going through right now can help someone else, it makes it feel like it’s worth it,” says Melissa Bumstead. Tweet.

Ella and Grace (as well as her Disney Princess dolls, Ariel and Rapunzel) have attended many doctor appointments together to allow physicians to physically show on relatable Ella where a shot or bandage might go. The doll even came along to Grace’s hair appointment to help her visualize that she can be bald and beautiful, like Ella. “We always tell Grace that even though Ella does not have hair, she is always smiling,” says Chad Bumstead, Grace’s father.

Although Ella is not Grace’s most prized doll, her parents, Melissa and Chad Bumstead, and Paul Gaynon, MD, oncologist at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles believe that Ella will not only help explain a confusing disease, but also remind Grace of a struggle she overcame and hopefully will never revisit. In fact, the Bumsteads believe in the positive role Ella plays so much that they began a petition to ask Mattel to donate more Ella dolls to children hospitals around the country.

“If the pain that we’re going through right now can help someone else, it makes it feel like it’s worth it,” says Melissa. In just three months, the petition grabbed the attention of more than 100,000 supporters—causing Mattel to take notice and agree to make and distribute more Ella dolls.

It is no question that Ella and Grace both share beautiful features, but what Grace also encompasses is a strong personality and sharp wit. At just four-years-old, Grace already knows how to command a room. “I used to ask God why he gave me such a rambunctious child, but now I know why,” says Melissa. “She had to be a fighter.”

To watch Grace’s first reaction to Ella and more information on the petition, please click here.

How You Can Help

Consider making a donation to Children’s Hospital Los Angeles and help treat kids just like Grace. Visit CHLA.org/Donate.